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After a week of not posting, and then just a bunch of movie reviews, it’s time to get back to “normal” posts. I’ve been working on the “About Me” page. It’s turning into more of a autobiography than a blurb. Me? Blathering on about myself? Whodathunkit! I hate to talk about myself. But I love to “explain” things… so that’s what it’s turned into. A huge explanation of how I got here: how could one person reach this level of fuckupedness in just 42 short years. Yeah, my About Me page is going to end up with Chapters.

Movie reviews are actually a good representation of what I’ve been doing lately. I go to the movies. A lot. It’s the closest I can get to me-time. A couple of blissfully quiet hours… well, The Expendables 2 was more blissfully shit blown up. But still more peaceful than home! Just kidding. Now that the kids are older, there’s not a lot of chaos. Especially during the summer. We’re a kicked back, easy going bunch. The kids don’t fight, they really do get along for the most part. I know I’m lucky. *knocks on wood*

I’ve been working out a lot more. When I go to the movies after work, I get home late enough that I bail on my workout. So yeah. That’s probably why I’ve been going more. Not cool, me. Not cool. So I’m going to have to lay off the movies a bit… sort of. Ok, probably not that much. But it’s not my fault!! There’s a whole slew comin’ out! I’m taking Sean and Skye to see ParaNorman tomorrow. It’s the last day of summer and I’m only working for a few hours in the morning. So we’ll see a matinee and I’ll still get my workouts in. No bailing there. But Thursday – OMG THURSDAY, I can hardly contain myself. JAWS (the ORIGINAL) is coming to our local theater for ONE NIGHT ONLY!! And I have been counting the days. For those who don’t know, it is my favorite movie in the whole world!! I was only 6 when it was originally released, so needless to say, my parents didn’t take me to see it. My father did (in a horrible lapse of judgement) let me watch it on cable when I was 8. I have been terrified/obsessed ever since. Yes, I’ve seen it literally hundreds of times on tv. But Jaws on the small scene is just so “less than”. It’s made for the FULL THEATER EXPERIENCE!! It’s the original summer blockbuster. And I am finally going to get to see it, in all its cinematic glory, in three short days! Days that will seem like the longest years of my life. I’m less anxious waiting for Santa!

Was I talking about other things? I don’t know, I’ve lost all focus. OMG JAWS!!! I won’t be able to sleep tonite at all now! Chant it with me: BRUCE BRUCE BRUCE!!! I saw on one of those Storage Wars/Treasure Hunters type reality shows that they’d located one of the Bruce models in an old salvage junk yard a couple of years ago. You have no idea (well, maybe an inkling now) how much I want to own that!! Someday, after I have married Brendan Fraser, he will buy it for me. That’s my fantasy life, right there.

Opened August 17, 2012 | Runtime: 1 hr 43 min
R for Strong Bloody Violence

Synopsis: Sly puts together his version of a Fantasy Football team. Jean-Claude Van Damme is captain of the opposing losers.

If you’re looking for plot, meaningful dialogue, a storyline… then what the hell are you doing here?? This is also where I tell my mom to stop reading, cause I’m getting ready to throw some f-bombs and I am way too old to get my mouth washed out with soap.

If you’re looking for your favorite childhood action stars to get their mother fucking badass back on, well this is one stop shopping!! Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Van Damme, Lungren, Norris… I mean it just goes on and on AND ON!! Thor’s little brother is even there, though not the God of Thunder himself. The resemblance is a little uncanny in some shots!

There’s TONS of blood and guts. R for Strong Bloody Violence is about one of the biggest understatements I’ve seen in a long time!! People fucking EXPLODE! It’s AWESOME!! This is the ultimate little boys with guns playing shoot ‘em up!! It’s basically men on a playdate. It’s gratuitous and gory and over the top ridiculous. It’s everything it should be.

The final “battle” scene is beyond. At some points, Willis and Arnie are just smiling as their shooting people and exchanging quips, saying each other’s catch phrases and laughing. You can tell they’re having the time of their lives. The audience is laughing right along with them. Because it’s absurd and fun. We know it and the actors know we know it. And no one cares because it’s everything we wanted to see back in the ’80s! It’s more than we dared hope for. There’s one point where Sly, Bruce and Arnie are all on screen shooting people. All in the same frame. Man, I may be 42 and a girl, but I seriously want that poster on my wall! Fucking hell ya, I do!!

My overall review: Yippie Ki Yay, motherfucker!!

Opened August 3, 2012 (LA, NY) | Runtime: 1 hr 31 min
R for Drug Use, Sexual Content and Language

Synopsis: Why you can’t divorce your best friend.

Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg have been best friends since high school, married young, and now that they’re in their 30s, realizing they have different needs and wants. To put it more succinctly: She’s in her 30s, he’s still in high school (aren’t they all??!! <– ok, maybe that’s just my ex-husbands.)

Because they function better as best friends, Andy’s moved into the art studio in the backyard, she’s still in the house (subtext: she has the real job and pays all the bills, he’s an artist who surfs and plays video games all day). They still hang out together. Daily. Seemingly Hourly. It’s like the best break up ever. Or is it?

Their friends are pressuring them to start dating other people, because it’s weird that they still spend all their time together. And so they do… Yeah, you can see where this is going. Tragedy. Disaster. DRAMA!!! And ultimately, jealousy. Because of course, deep down they really do still LOVE each other.

But despite what every song has ever told us, love isn’t enough. And what I told my kids is true “just because Mommy and Daddy love each other, doesn’t mean they should be married to each other.” Yep, it’s one of life’s suckiest lessons.

Samberg plays the man-child so well, it’s like he’s Seth Rogan’s not identical twin brother. I have an insanely huge girl-crush on Rashida Jones. And she is far and away the star of this movie. I want her to move in with me so I can tell her that it’s all going to be ok! They both do those awkward, super uncomfortable, definitely-stolen-right-from-my-own-life moments so realistically that you get uncomfortable for them sitting right there in the theater. And her wedding toast nearly ripped my heart right out.

My overall review: just a seriously excellent indie romantic dramedy

Opened August 10, 2012 | Runtime: 1 hr 25 min
R for Crude Sexual Content, Brief Nudity and Language

Synopsis: Will Ferrell VS Zach Galifianakis in a small town political setting. Hilarity ensues.

I think the synopsis says it all. It’s about damn time these two made a movie together. I started laughing when I first heard about it. I’m still laughing when I think about it.

Now, this is not high-brow comedy. This is poops and farts and baby punching. It’s silly and stupid and raunchy (that’s my mom’s word) and fucking hilarious! It had a sort of Trading Places spin, which I found amusing in and of itself since Dan Aykroyd plays one of the Motch brothers (the other is played by John Lythgow, whom I adore!)

I’m not big into politics, and this isn’t a conservative vs. liberal/dems vs reps kinda flick, thank goodness!! It’s the mud-slinging, dirty, win at all costs, underhanded, nothing to do with the people who actually vote kinda flick. It takes something, like those God awful mud-slinging television commercials and runs with it. And then keeps going. And keeps going. And just when you think “Whoa there Will Ferrell, you’ve gone way too far!”, well he and Zach just laugh and run about 10 times farther!! OMG SO MUCH FARTHER!!!

Yes, it goes beyond the ridiculous and absurd. But that’s why it’s funny. Of course! No, this isn’t the best Will Ferrell movie I’ve ever seen (Anchorman is quite possibly numero uno.) And Zach was at his prime in The Hangover (though I could watch every webisode of Between Two Ferns on an endless loop.) But I hope this is just the beginning of a b-e-a-u-tiful friendship! They’re my favorite couple of 2012!!

My overall review: Will VS Zach. Need I say more?

Opened August 8, 2012 | Runtime: 1 hr 40 min
PG-13 for sexuality and mature thematic content

Synopsis: (from ) After thirty years of marriage, a middle-aged couple attends an intense counseling weekend to decide the fate of their marriage.

That synopsis is like saying Jaws is about a big fish swimming around in the ocean. Doesn’t really prepare you for the amount of eye-covering horror you’re about to experience.

I saw Hope Springs with my mom. We thought it would be a fun little romantic comedy. We both love Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, and Steve Carell (The 40 Year Old Virgin is not on my mom’s radar, so she knows him from Crazy Stupid Love and Dan in Real Life.) Neither of us were expecting or prepared for what would come…

Meryl and Tommy (I don’t remember what their character names were, doesn’t really matter does it?) are at the point in the 31 year marriage where it’s all routine. Mundane. Boring. Tommy likes it that way. Meryl has become worried about their complacency. The magic has gone out and she wants desperately to bring it back. They’re even sleeping in separate bedrooms, for convenience and out of habit. Or so it seems. In an effort to spice things up, Meryl gets a self-help type book on marriage. She googles the author, Steve Carell, and finds that he does intense couples counseling retreats in Maine. So Meryl books a trip for them and gives Tommy and ultimatum, either he goes or… well, the “or else” part is left unstated, but it doesn’t need to be. He loves her and so, in the end, he goes. Because otherwise this would be the most expensive 15 minutes movie in history! Everything I’ve stated  up til know can be deduced from the trailers… heck, even from the 30 second commercials!! But it’s what happens in Maine that you never see coming… (Stephen King lives in Maine, but even he never thought of what we are about to witness!!)

I don’t’ know if this next part counts as a ***SPOILER*** or not, so read on at your own risk!!!

I wish I’d had something to prepare me for where this movie was going to go. I would NOT have chosen to see it with my MOTHER! We were both embarrassed beyond belief and a bit mortified. My mom is pretty prudish (though she loved Wedding Crashers and made me go see it with her!! I’m still in therapy over that one) and I can be too if my mother is in proximity. I was really glad we hadn’t also brought along Cali (my OVERLY prudish 21 year old daughter.) She would have DIED right there in the theater.

There are many things I’ve watched Meryl Streep do in movies. Talk descriptively about sex was not something I wanted to add to the list. Watch her and Tommy Lee Jones awkwardly (admittedly hilariously) try to have sex?!!! Definitely number one on the THINGS I NEVER WANT TO SEE EVER list. Probably a big ol’ fat part of the problem was that Meryl and Tommy were portraying characters that very much reminded us (Mom and Me) of her and my stepdad. We hushedly joked about it in the first 10 minutes of the movie. Sex and my parents are not something I want in my evening entertainment! OMG NONONO!!! MY EYES OMG MY EYES!! Steve Carell, I hope you have a spot open cause I am going to need a LOT more therapy!!

If I take that out of the equation…. I can’t. I just can’t. I was unable to enjoy or concentrate on much of the movie because OMG THE HORROR!!!

I will say that I REALLY liked the ending. A lot. (So did my mom!) But as we exited the theater, she turned to me and said “Well, that was awkward.”

My overall review: Don’t go see it with your mother!

For lack of inspiration or original thought, today’s post of awesome is: 10 Things most people don’t know (or care) about me. I know, I really hurt myself coming up with that gem. So here goes.

1. I am a licensed Ham Radio Operator. Call sign KG6NFI. I know, you’re impressed. Well hold onto your hat then because…

2. I am an ordained minister. Ha! But it’s true. I acquired this so I could marry my sister. I just love saying that, sounds so back hills of Tennessee!! However, I did in fact officiate at my baby sisters wedding. Totally awesome. Especially for this self-proclaimed atheist!

3. I married my first husband when I was only 19 years old, and I wasn’t even pregnant! (nope, I was Mormon, which is potentially much worse and harder to recover from.)

4. September will mark 6 years that we’ve lived in this house. That is the longest I’ve lived in the same residence since I left for college at 18. And several of those moves were over states.

5. I’m the only one of my parents’ 8 kids (blended family) not to graduate from college. I’m about a year short of a bachelors. Kids, stay in school!!

6. My fear of heights only applies to man-made structures. I can stand on the edge of a cliff with no problem, have walked across miles high suspension bridges without hesitation and can not wait to go skydiving again. However, I once blacked out from vertigo when I looked over the second story railing in a mall.

7. While I abhor banana flavored or scented anything, I LOVE bananas. Can’t stand banana bread, cookies, ice cream… But I crave bananas all the time.

8. I prefer veggie burgers to regular burgers. Same goes for veggie vs regular hot dogs. This isn’t just a “California” thing or even a healthy thing. I actually like the taste better. Maybe it is a California thing.

9. I would easily go vegan… if it weren’t for my love of bacon.

10. I love plain old tap water.

Anything else you want to know? Just ask away!

I spent the day hanging out with my aunt and her grandson at my parents’ house. Sean and Skye had a ball playing with their cousin, they spent most of the day in the pool (yes, it’s a hard life, but someone has to live it!) Meanwhile, my aunt and I got to spend about 12 hours talking non-stop. So an excellent day was had by all.

What that also means is that I spent zero time thinking about blog content. And here it is 9pm and I am exhausted. I had to pick Mr. Tadpole up from the airport, in Oakland, at around midnight. So I didn’t get to bed until after 1am this morning. For someone is usually is sound asleep by about 9:30pm and needs a good solid 8 hours to even being to feel functional, I am not running on all cylinders for sure! Fortunately, laying around by the pool was just about perfect. And yet, I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, much less type out any coherent thoughts.

My apologies for this atrocious post. The worst part, I didn’t even take a single picture. I have nothing to use as visual filler. Worst. Blogger. Ever. I would promise to do better tomorrow night, but I can’t bold face lie to y’all. Tomorrow night’s might suck even more worser. Yeah, I just typed that. Suck it!

I just re-read all of that. Wow. It’s worse the second time through. Maybe I’ll just blather on here for another paragraph or two. Sure, there’s no content, but mayhaps I can score some points for quantity if not quality. If you noticed the “mayhaps” and were like WTF does that mean? Well, I am in the middle of The Wastelands. Stephen King;s 7 book epic Dark Tower series. If you were all “I knew that”, then you probably remember the face of your father. Now bring me some astin and a tooter fish popkin.

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