Today was the kind of day I honestly never thought I’d have. Sean’s autism, though lower on the spectrum than my girls, has still be so high functioning that most people question the diagnosis. He just seems so “normal”. His teachers describe him as easy-going, happy, cooperative, loving, gentle, kind… well, they used to. Now I hear the adjectives: difficult, contrary, sad, depressed, angry, combative… and they tell me this is NOT the same little boy they’ve known for the past two years. He is sullen and solitary. We do not know why.
I spent most of the morning on the phone with his teacher. He had refused to do his classwork and thrown it in the trash. He was yelling, refusing to sit and do his work. He wouldn’t sit with the reading group. Then I got an email this afternoon. He was sent to the principal’s office for throwing a chair. They have a call into the school psychologist. We’re all meeting sometime this week.
I don’t know what to do. Or what is going on. Sean’s response to everything is that school is boring. He hates it. He doesn’t want to go anymore. He wants to live in Tahoe (hey, who doesn’t?!) He got really mad when I told him he’d still have to go to school there, that they have schools in Tahoe. Then he said he wanted to live in our old house (and now I start to think we are getting somewhere.) I said that he’d have to go to school there too. He said he didn’t care, he just wants to go back to our old house. And I asked him the question that was the hardest for both of us: Is it because you miss your dad? Yes, and he started crying.
Oh, my poor poor baby boy. How can I ever explain this to you so that you’ll understand? I can’t. There is nothing I can tell you to help you understand that your father is very mentally ill. I don’t know if you’ll see him again for a very long time. I know you talk to him on the phone every week. And that may be part of the problem. Because he is very real, and you “know” him. And because it is a mental illness, he SOUNDS just fine. Plus, he is in denial that there is anything really wrong with him. To him, I have just stolen you and your sister. To him, I am evil and have done him a terrible injustice and ruined his life. To him, he IS just fine and I’m that one that has something terribly wrong with me.
How can I make you understand something that I don’t really understand myself. I’m so sorry that I fell in love with him when I was 11 years old. And ignored the thousand and one warning signs that were there in an effort to have my fairytale happily ever after. I’m so sorry that I dragged you and your sister into a hopeless situation. That was unfair and very selfish of me.
But since I can’t hop in my Delorean with flux-capacitor and stop myself from making those rash and naive mistakes, all I can do is try to make the best of our current situation. And look to the future.
Which brings me back to today. Because as of now, our future, your future, doesn’t look too hot. I see a lot of tears and anger and frustration and probably quite a few curse words from both of us.
I promise to love you. More today than yesterday. And more tomorrow than today. I will try my absolute hardest to do whatever is in my very limited human power to find a solution, to fix this, to make you the happy, easy-going, loving, always smiling boy that you were just a few months ago. I swear it with every fiber of my being. I will never give up on you! My sweet little Seanathon Beastly.
Awww hugs, T…Sounds like a rough road – but your kiddo is very lucky to have you and your love.