While in the midst of tragedy, I feel guilty laughing. Or smiling. Or sharing silly pictures of our trip to Disneyland. And yet, isn’t that what those who have passed would want us to do? To not just go on living, but enjoy and appreciate the life we have left?
I’ve been through this before. When my dad died 21 years ago, I had a hard time letting go and having fun. Well, let me rephrase that. I didn’t have a hard time physically laughing or smiling, but I could not mentally LET myself do those things. I felt like I must not have really loved my dad very much if I could laugh at a joke or find humor in anything when he was DEAD. Except, I couldn’t stop myself, and then I’d freeze in horror when I’d remember MY DAD IS DEAD! WHAT AM I DOING?! Like I was disrespecting his passing by continuing to live myself.
It took a while to get myself past that. I went into grief counceling and learned that its ok to go on, move past and (horror of horrors) find the joy in life again.
I also learned that everyone grieves in their own way. There is NO right or wrong way. A person’s grief is as different as fingerprints, personality and DNA. And that the best thing we can do for someone is to allow them to feel their grief, whatever that means to them.
Some people appreciate an outpouring of sympathy cards, a simple note of condolensce to let them know those near and far are thinking of them.
I was horrified at the idea of a cold, heartless, greeting card saying “Sorry Your Dad Died”. Greeting cards were for birthdays, anniversaries and thanks for the fugly Christmas sweater. They had no place at something as intimate and personal as a funeral. I was offended at every single one that entered our mailbox. But my mom treasured them. Each one reminded her of how many people loved and supported our family during this crisis.
I guess my point is that as much as we hate it, life goes on. We can fight it, feel guilty, wallow, wasting precious time. Or we can embrace it. Hug our family and friends, tell them how much we love them a little bit more often, and be grateful that we have them for another day.
My mother died seventeen years ago, in my arms.
I remember walking out the front door of our house, moments afterward, and gazing around in wonder. The sun was shining! Cars were driving past! Was that a lawn mower? Didn’t people understand that my mother was suddenly gone forever?
I was so shocked that it was business as usual for everyone else – somehow I hadn’t expected that. I don’t know what I DID expect, but I remember that it hurt my feelings that other people were happy, busy, oblivious to my crushing pain. I guess I wanted the whole world to observe a moment of silence – and sadness – for me.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. 17 years can still feel like 17 days sometimes, or 17 minutes. Children shouldn’t have to lose a parent, not until they’re very very old!
Saw your comment on SITS, and the title of your last blog entry and just had to read it. I totaly understand this post. My father just died unexpectedly January 18th and my mother and I were in his hosoptial room at the time. Although it was a very peaceful passing and I feel so blessed by the support that I have felt from family and friends, that rythum of life remains just beyond my reach. I can’t seem to even find things that even matter to blog about like I have in the past. Thank you for being so real.
Judy, I am so sorry for your loss. It takes a long time for the world to feel “normal” again. They say time heals all wounds and I don’t always agree with that, sometimes it just dulls them. People are resilliant, but that pain and loss never fully goes away, it just reaches a level of manageable. You’ll start to see the joy and fun in life again, sooner than you probably think. Your dad would want it that way, and knowing that helps. Take care of yourself. Hugs!
I loss my father as a teenager and my mother died nine years ago this week. Time is not something that is in the equation of recovery. I think about my mom everyday. As a Grief Recovery Counselor and author, I know that going through the emotions and feelings associated with loss is the way to open yourself to the next part of life. My book is a wonderful gift to give yourself or to a love one. It is a book that transforms into a keepsake and definitely leaves a beautiful gift for those you love. As you write love letters, notes, and information about yourself and store everything in the envelopes throughout the book a journey begins and lasts forever. The personal messages are like a salve for a griever. Check it out on my website: http://www.leavingwithlove.com. May your grief lead to a new doorway to life.