In 5 weeks, I will be the exact same age my dad was when he died (skiing accident). I’ve talked about it off and on for a couple of years now. It freaks me out. He was pronounced dead on Valentines Day (the accident was the day before, he was on life support…) My birthday is the day before my dad’s. Which means that on Valentine’s Day of this year, I will officially have outlived him.
I know how losing a parent affect a child, I was 17. My kids are already down a parent, neither of my ex-husbands are present in their daily lives. And the idea of leaving them at this stage in their lives leaves me nearly paralyzed with fear. I can NOT die. And I think this fear is what is so drastically affecting my life right now. I feel a level of stress that I can’t account for. I mean sure, single mom, special needs kids, not rich by any means, etc… I have lots of stressors. But I have a secure job. My landlord is a great guy and I don’t worry about my housing. I live super close to famiy, I have a great support system in place if I need it. Sean’s teachers are amazing and they are working so well with him. And now Skye is needing extra help and again her teacher is so on top of it, I feel guilty for not being a more involved parent. I have zero complaints about the school district and educational system my kids are functioning in.
But I feel stressed out of my mind. To the point of feeling myself shut down in some regards. I’m tired. Run down. Burnt out. I need a break. Or at the very least, a long nap.
I know that if I had a better handle on my health, that would roll over into other aspects of my life. But that just seems to be one more stressor I can’t handle. And I’m in my 40s now. I don’t need to be worrying about diabetes, cholesterol, heart disease!
So, bear with me for the next few weeks while I talk about this impending date. A lot. It’s weighing on my mind. A lot. One thing I can guarantee: I will not be skiing any time soon.