Spy Kids : All the Time in the World in 4D

Opened August 19, 2011 | Runtime: 1 hr. 29 min.

PG for mild action and rude humor

Synopsis: Be nice to your stepmom, she’s probably a retired spy.

I know what you’re asking yourself: what is 4D? And after experiencing it, can we ever really enjoy a regular ol’ 3D movie again?! No worries, my friends. I can answer all that and so much more.

4D is 3D with the added dimension SMELL. The makers of Spy Kids call it AROMA-SCOPE. Ooooooohhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Brilliant! How does it work? Upon purchasing your ticket, you receive not only your 3D glasses but this:

Yep, a large numbered cardboard scratch n’ sniff sticker. That right there is 21st century technology at it’s finest. The future of cinematography – scented cardboard. No, I’ll never be able to watch a regular old non-scented movie ever again. I would like to see the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory remastered in Aroma-scope – but it would probably require something the size of a textbook. Maybe Steve Jobs has stepped back from his daily duties at Apple and is collaborating with George Lucas to develop iSmell! I think I’m on to something there…

As for the movie… with or without the Smell-o-card, it stunk.

It was worse than the Smurfs. Shocking, I know! It didn’t have the single element that made the Smurfs somewhat tolerable: Neil Patrick Harris. And boy, it really could have used him. To make it worse, Spy Kids “stars” Jessica Alba and Jeremy Piven. Oh insult, meet injury.

The script only seems to further prove the stereotype that everyone in Hollywood does drugs – no clean and sober person was anywhere near that thing. It made no sense whatsoever. I know, I know this was a kids’ special effects movie, and plot is about as important here as it is in porn. Awesome – I just equated kids movies with porn. That’s Mommy Blogger of the Year material right there!

Something good (or at least sort of fun and mildly interesting): The two kids from the original Spy Kids reprise their roles. That was semi-cool-ish.

My overall review: I rate this slightly below The Smurfs. That speaks volumes.

Here’s what Sean and Skye thought:

The Smurfs

Opened July 29, 2011 | Runtime: 1 hr. 40 min.
PG for some mild rude humor and action
Showing in 2D & 3D

Synopsis: The little blue guys (and girl) get smurfed through a vortex and find themselves smurfed right into the middle of smurfin’ NYC. Smurfness ensues.

Sean and Skye dragged me kicking and screaming persuaded me to take them. They had an actual countdown to when it was released and everything. As far as I know, they’ve never actually seen a Smurf cartoon and had never heard of them before they saw the first trailer. The Smurfs are from my generation, much like Strawberry Shortcake and the Care Bears. And I wouldn’t want to see any live action/CGI version of those cartoons either!

Neil Patrick Harris makes this movie just enough tolerable for adults, without him I would have been smurfing my eyes out with a fork! While I think Hank Azaria is brilliant, he wasn’t as inspired in this one as I’d hoped. Too bad.

We saw the 2D version. I don’t think 3D would have helped.

My overall review: Oh My Smurf, it’s smurfing smurful.

Here’s what Sean and Skye had to say:

Opens today July 29, 2011 | Runtime: 1 hr. 47 min.
PG-13 for coarse humor, sexual content and language

Synopsis: Love is crazy. And stupid. No matter how old (or young) you are.

This is going to be short because I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!! It is probably one of the best romantic comedies. Ever. It was SO funny. Its not the typical rom-com formula and it’s so refreshing. I loved the twists and turns. Just when you think it’s going to get formulaic and boring – BAM! You never saw it coming. It’s a rich, deep comedy about love, human nature and all the crazy, stupid stuff we do.

My overall review: seriously? Obvious=stated.

Black Swan

Now available on DVD and Blu-Ray | Runtime: 1 hr. 43 min.
Rated R for strong sexual content, disturbing violent images, language and some drug use

Synopsis: Natalie Portman freaks out. And there’s dancing. But less Kevin Bacon and more Stephen King. Also, Barbara Hershey makes Joan Crawford look soft-hearted and forgiving.

This is the one for which Natalie Portman won the Oscar and did that weird laugh in her acceptance speech, and then called her husband a good actor cause he knocked her up.

Nat totally deserved the Oscar for this one. You knew it 10 minutes in. This is just an Academy Award type of movie – in a good way. It’s got depth, surprises, solidity. It’s the kind of movie you can really sink your teeth into. Like a solid, perfectly cooked steak. It’s completely filling and leaves you totally satisfied. Yep, it’s a big fat steak of a movie.

Mila Kunis is 2nd only to Nat. She is awesome as Natalie’s good girl/white swan foe/frenemy/admirer and friend. It depends on who’s point of view or which part of Nat is interacting. Talk about being your own worst enemy. We get to see that cliche personified in full feathered technicolor.

And if you’re guy is all turned off by a ballet movie, just let him know there’s a very hot lesbian sex scene between Mila and Natalie. Just try keeping him away from it then!

It was great to see Barbara Hershey again… until she’s about 5 seconds in. Then you’ll all “where’s the sweet dying cancer patient from Beaches?” She channels Mommy Dearest only without compassion. Yeah, she definitely adds to the whole freaky aspect.

This movie will create a conflict of deep respect for the art and there’s no way in hell my kid will ever strap on a pair of ballet shoes. EVER!

Oh, I can’t forget Winona Ryder!! It’s so good to see her back working again. The ultimate Black Swan, she is the epitome of not aging gracefully (sans Botox.) In a field where 30 is retirement age, it’s a harsh reality. And she portrays it perfectly. Descending Diva. Possibly the worst role to be in Hollywood, especially for women. Oh lets face it, only for women. But that is another soapbox post for another time.

My overall review: stunning, intense, very dark, brooding, surprising, and horrifying. It’s riveting and repulsing. It’s definitely a must-see!! If you have the stomach for it. Don’t puss out – it’s awesome!

Water For Elephants

Opened April 22, 2011 | Runtime:2 hr. 0 min.
Rated PG-13 for moments of intense violence and sexual content

Synopsis: That Nazi guy is at it again, this time his targets are his wife, carnies and a gentle elephant named Rosie.

One of many independent traveling circuses set in The Great Depression. Life is harsh, people really did run away from home to join the circus. It represented freedom, work, and escape. In reality, it was a wall-less prison where  indentured servitude and cruelty were all a part of survival. If you ever thought circus life was glamorous, this completely crushes that dream.

If you can’t stomach animal cruelty (even though, of course, no actual animals were hurt during the filming of this movie) then you might want to skip this one.

Also, if you can’t stomach Robert Pattinson and his dead eyed passionless monosyllabic performance, then you might want to skip this one too.

I really couldn’t stand it. It probably would have been better with an actor who could really act. Say Brendan Fraser. With Gods and Monsters, Crash and The Quiet American, he proved he can do the deep, hard, dramatic roles. R-Pat can play the undead. It seems it’s all he can portray. And he doesn’t do that all that well either.

Can we tell I’m not a fan? Yeah, this just puts another nail in his coffin. Cliche wizardry!

Reese Witherspoon is her usual pretty darn good self. I wouldn’t say she’s spectacular, but she meshes into the role believably. She’s very likable and sympathetic. You can’t help but feel protective of her.

Ah, Christoph Waltz. He plays a quite similar character to his award winning performance in Inglourius Basterds. And he does it spectacularly. He’s charming and despicable all in the same moment. I don’t know anyone else who does it quite so well. I worry that he’s becoming type-cast. But since he’s brilliant, I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I didn’t read the book before hand. I just bought it for my kindle, so I’m reading it now (I’m in the middle of the Prologue). I’ll do a book vs movie review when I finish it. But I think it goes without saying that the movie will pale in comparison. Which isn’t hard to imagine as I thought the movie on the sucktastic side.

My overall review: skip it. Those who love the book will probably want to see the movie – and be gravely disappointed (as is usually the case in book to movie). Netflix – maybe. If you don’t have anything better in your queue. And you’re bedridden for a couple of weeks. And can’t stand another FINAL SEASON OF OPRAH show. But chances are, if you wait a year, you can catch it TBS or USA.

The Conspirator

Opened April 15, 2011 | Runtime:2 hr. 3 min.
Rated PG-13 for some violent content

Synopsis: Kennedy didn’t corner the market on conspiracy theories! Long before Oswald and the magic bullet, there was Booth and a not-quite-so-magical bullet.

This is like if The Practice had to defend the Lincoln assassins. In period costume. It’s not just a stylized docu-drama on the Lincoln assassination. This is a full on action, adventure, intrigue retelling of history (with artistic interpretation, I’m sure.) It’s very real and alive and almost relevant.

I would guess that most know about the same as I did going in. John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln while he was watching a play. He ran, was found soon after, whether it was hours, days or weeks I didn’t know. He was shot. End of story. Wrong! There is so much more to it!

And that’s what makes this more like an exciting mystery/thriller and less like a tragedy on the high seas to which everyone knows the outcome (I’m lookin’ at you Titanic. Everyone dies, you suck!) Maybe there are some history buffs who will think the writers and director were playing fast and loose with the facts, but the other 99% of the population will totally be drawn in.

A few words about the actors: Robin Wright no-longer-Penn is… I don’t have words. Amazing is inadequate. She literally transforms herself into whoever she is portraying, and she does no less here. If I didn’t KNOW it was her, I wouldn’t have been able to find a trace of her in the role. She wasn’t an actor, she was a mother caught in unfortunate circumstances and trying to protect her son. If you see her name in a movie’s credits – go see that movie!! You will never be disappointed. A can not rave about her enough. Sean Penn is a moron. ‘Nuf said.

Kevin Kline is a fairly major player, he plays Senator Stanton the Secretary of War. I dare you to find him in the role. I knew it was him and still had to really look to convince myself. He’s another who isn’t just a good actor, he literally BECOMES the character. He’s spellbinding. He’s definitely another see-it-if-he’s-in-it! Stellar performance. RAVE RAVE RAVE!!!

James McAvoy is great as the barrister appointed to defend Mary Surrat. I know who he is, but can’t name anything he’s been in. So I have no preconceived notions. And he was very passionate and quite believable. You could see and really feel as he changes from skeptic to savior. A really strong, solid performance.

Evan Rachal Wood is Anna Surrat (daughter of Mary) and she is stellar. She is powerful with her quiet, determined strength. So when her softness shows, it hits you hard. Keep you eyes on her, she’s going places.

And now the not so awesome:

Alexis Bledel looks like the episode where Rory was in the school play A Chirstmas Carol. I could NOT get past that and it broke the movie magic every scene she was in. Casting fail.

Same with Justin Long. Who’s idea was the cheesy mustache? Uhm, we can still tell it’s him. At first I had really hoped he’d died in the opening battle scene. No such luck. I think he’s supposed to be comic relief, but instead it was Hey There’s Justin Long in a cheesy mustache. I wish he was funnier. Casting fail #2.

The rest of the supporting cast, while vaguely recognizable, looked like I’d probably seen them in other similar era movies. They looked and sounded like they belonged. That should have helped to cancel out Rory and Justin, but it just highlighted their not-working-out-ness even more.

Beyond all that, it’s an excellent movie! Not just a retelling, but a reliving of a pivotal time in our young nation’s life that most of us know very little about. The lady in the row behind me kept exclaiming Jesus CHRIST! Everytime she was outraged. I’d a thought it was the Second Coming back there! You’ll be surprised at what our government got away with back then, in the name of preserving the Union.

I will say that I was a good solid 10 years younger than the next youngest patron. And the average age was significantly higher. It was a Wednesday late afternoon matinee, so that would play into it. But it was a sea of fluffy white heads. Like, they remember where they were when they heard Lincoln was shot. But we all concurred this was a good one!

My overall review: don’t wait for this on History Channel. See it in theaters if your looking for a night out. Or throw it to the top of your Netflix queue if you’re not. Very excellent! And educational to boot! I’m just bein’ honest!

The King’s Speech

DVD Release Date April 19, 2011 | Runtime: 1 hr. 58 min.
PG-13 for language

Synopsis: The true story of why no one should ever really want to be King. Ever. And also, Colin Firth is awesome.

When I saw this one in theaters, long before the Golden Globes were being whispered about, I knew I was watching a strong Oscar contender. And I really hoped it would put a little bald-headed golden man in the hands of my beloved* Mr. Darcy Firth. You could tell he’d just poured his heart, soul and every perceptible insecurity into his portrayal of King George IV, pre-and-post-coronation. I’m going to take a moment to give him yet another standing ovation. The Academy Awards totally got this one right. Here Here!

I wish Helena Bonham Carter and Geoffrey Rush had received more accolades than just nominations. They rounded out a most outstanding cast. There wasn’t a weak performance among the whole lot. Directing was spot on. I can’t think of one negative. Not one. Bravo!

This is a drama but with wonderful bits of British humor smudged in, in just the right places. And some of it is very laugh out loud funny. There will be a point in the movie when you’ll realize OMG – that’s Queen Elizabeth before she’s Queen Elizabeth! Even though you know it going in, it’s still quite funny when your synapses finally make the connection.

I will note here that I would not recommend it to my parents. And did not, as a matter of fact, when they asked if they should see it. I know my parents. If Bruce Willis or Liam Neeson aren’t running around trying to find out who’s double-crossed them AGAIN, then they think it’s “boring and stupid”. That’s a direct quote, btw. They’re very mature like that.

So for those of you who don’t require espionage, car chases, explosions, and/or Matt Damon, then you’re going to LOVE IT!!

My overall review: Oscar Winner – DUH!

*Special Note: my love of Colin Firth does not in anyway undermine or diminish my complete and utter devotion to my true love, Brendan Fraser. Bren, you’ll always be my one and only!

Soul Surfer

Opens today April 8
PG for some thematic material and an intense accident scene

Synopsis: Based on the true story of Bethany Hamilton. An up and coming surfer with a promising future in the sport she loved.  She was just 13 when tragedy literally struck. A tiger shark attacked while she was surfing. Leaving her fighting for life. And with only one arm. Against all odds, she gets right back up on her board and goes on to become a world champion surfer, doing what most surfers can’t do, and with only one arm.

AnnaSophia Robb is Bethany Hamilton.  Dennis Quaid and  Helen Hunt are her parents.  Lorraine Nicholson is her best friend.  Carrie Underwood is her youth minister.

Outstanding performances by all, especially Robb. After playing Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka, I wasn’t really sure if she had the acting chops to pull this off. Well. She totally did.

The story flows well right from the beginning. We get to know Bethany before the incident. Doing what she loves, how surfing is as important to her life as breathing. And that she’s exceptional. Even though you know it’s coming, it just suddenly happens. I’m sure they got that part dead on. It happened in a flash and everything gets surreal for everyone. She nearly dies. A couple of times. But her indomitable spirit won’t give up. She is the definition of strength of both spirit and mind. And body. She is in prime physical condition and that plays into her ability to recover so quickly. But without her positive attitude and glass is half full bubbly personality, she would have just laid in a bed feeling sorry for herself.

This movie struck quite a chord with me. First off, I vividly recall when this happened. I followed her recovery and subsequent victories. I cheered her on. And I was well aware of the basics of what went through to get back on that board. But not the details. And this movie is all about the details of her life. Her family, her friends, her spirit, her love of the ocean. This movie is rich and full and you really forget you’re watching actors. These people are so real. Not surprising. These are real people they’re portraying. Very real. Its impossible to forget that they all really went through this. This 13 year old girl had her arm bitten off by a tiger shark. It happened out of nowhere. And she nearly died getting to shore and help.

I shed many silent tears though a lot of the movie. At some point in the past few years, I have stopped identifying with the younger stars of movies and more with the parents. I couldn’t help but empathize with what it must have been like to hear your child, your baby, had been attacked by a shark. The horror and insane worry. The failure of not being able to protect her. The helplessness of standing around, unable to fix things. The pain of realizing she was no longer “whole”, that doors were just closed to her. Doors that had been wide open just hours before. I cried as a parent. My heart ached. I can’t fathom what they went through. It was painful enough just watching it.

I’m would guess that you all know exactly how I feel about this movie. It’s so full of courage, love, family, the power of positive thinking, of never giving up, of endurance and strength, both of body and mind.

How could anyone watch this and not be inspired. It’s one of those movies you watch and take home with you. You look at your life and your hardships pale in comparison. If a 13 year old girl and survive a life changing accident, and go on to become one of the top world champion surfers. Surely I can handle my kids, the laundry and a crappy job I hate. It’s really nothing in comparison. And I am so grateful with what I have. I am truly blessed.

My favorite part: that the real Bethany Hamilton is the surf stunt double for the actress portraying her. That is most likely a movie first! Again, just proving again and again how truly amazing she is!

Make sure to stay through the credits. There are lots of home movies of Bethany and her family. Many of them are the real footage that the movie recreated. It just re-emphasizes that she is a real person who really went through this. And she is AWESOME!

My overall review: Go watch it. Tell all your friends to go watch it. And then pre-order it from Amazon. When you feel like your life is hard, pop it in the DVD (or Blu-Ray) and take some time to see what can be overcome, if only you want it bad enough. The very definition of inspiring! Words are inadequate. You just have to feel it.

Arthur

Opens tomorrow, April 8, 2011

Rated PG-13 for some drug references, sexual content, alcohol use throughout and language

Synopsis: Drunk guy spends lots of money. Special appearance by the Batmobile.

I never saw the original Dudley Moore version. All I know about it is that he drinks a lot and for some reason wears a top hat. Also, this movie is to blame for “Between the Moon and New York City”. Thus explaining my severe aversion to elevators.

There’s a sweet love story hidden in here somewhere, I think. I don’t know, I wasn’t really into it. I wanted this movie to be Forgetting Sarah Marshall hilarious. Or at least, Get Him to the Greek funny. But it never really got there. Could it be that Russell Brand doing the same schtick over and over again is getting old? Boring? Not original? Say it ain’t so!

The best part is seeing what an unlimited amount of money could buy if you were drunk and insane.

Drinking game: one shot for every time someone says “drunk”. Two shots for “prostitute”. I think that sums it up pretty well.

Note: Helen Mirren is brilliant. Seriously brilliant. What’s an academy award winning actress like her doing in a movie like this?!

My overall review: I really wanted to like this movie. I also really want to be a size 5 again. Sometimes wanting just isn’t enough.

HOP

Opens today April 1, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 30 min.
PG for some mild rude humor

Synopsis: The Easter Bunny’s son marches to the beat of his own drummer and isn’t eager to hop into the family business.

Russell Brand is the voice of E.B, son of the Easter Bunny and next in line to take the magic egg scepter thing. Honestly, I had to see this. Russell Brand is hilarious and totally did not disappoint. He is appropriately funny in a family friendly way. Surprising! And there were a few really soft, sweet moments. Double surprising! Who knew he had it in him?

James Marsden is too adorable. He may out-adorable all the furry fluffy fauna in the whole movie put together. He plays naive, open, sweet, wide-eyed, overly enthusiastic, energetic and a little too quick to completely and totally accept a talking bunny quite well. Almost believably well. He was fantastic as the prince in Enchanted, and I think he does just as well here. Maybe he’s just destined to act with animated woodland creatures.

I, of course, have to give mad propz to Hank Azaria as the voice of Carlos, head chick with grandiose plans to one day run Easter himself. You know I worship the man. There is nothing he can’t do! And do it better than anyone else, hands down. He is the ultimate character actor. I love ya, Hank!!!

There’s a hilarious running cameo of The Hoff. I love that he has no trouble with self-mockery and deprication. He makes it all the funnier. Way to go, Hoff!

Look for a small cameo of Russell Brand when you least expect it. Just one of the many little easter eggs hidden in the movie. I love it when the movie makers do that – and it’s obviously especially a propos in this one!

Naturally, I took  Sean and Skye. Below is their review in their own words:

My overall review: I think they summed it up pretty well for all of us! That makes it 6 thumbs up! A new Easter Classic!